Lately, I’ve been telling myself I’m “socially damaged.”
Like there’s something wrong with me.
Like I broke somewhere along the way.
But if I’m being brutally honest with myself…
it’s not damage.
It’s exhaustion.
It’s self-protection disguised as avoidance.
It’s my nervous system whispering, “We’re not doing that again.”
And maybe that’s okay.
1. I Don’t Think I’m Broken.. I Think I’m Tired of Choosing Wrong
I’m not scared of love.
I’m scared of repeating patterns I already healed from.
When someone is emotionally confusing or inconsistent, I feel intensity.
When someone is stable and good to me, my chest freezes.
I’m conditioned to mistake uncertainty for chemistry.
Because the last time I felt safe, I got burned.
Badly.
2. I Overgive When I Finally Feel Safe
After three years single, I entered my last relationship whole, healed, and sure.
I loved openly.
I trusted deeply.
I truly believed it was the ending I deserved.
And when it collapsed, it didn’t just hurt ~ it rewired me.
Now every time someone gets close, my body remembers:
“The last time you loved like that, it destroyed you.”
So now I don’t jump.
I evaluate.
I protect.
I distance.
Not because we don’t care but because we care too much to risk another heartbreak like that.
3. I Want Connection… But Only If the Person Is Emotionally Stable
I crave depth.
Conversation.
Emotional presence.
Someone who feels like a home and a mirror.
But the men with emotional depth often come with emotional chaos:
exes, unfinished business, multiple girls, mixed signals.
On the other hand, the stable ones feel… unfamiliar.
Too calm.
Too safe.
I haven’t yet met a man who offers both intensity and clarity.
So everything feels like a mismatch.
4. I Keep Attracting Men Who Can’t Choose Anyone
This is the hardest truth:
I choose men who don’t even know what they want yet.
Men who are still grieving.
Still looking around.
Still keeping their options open.
Then I absorb the impact when they fail to choose me fully.
It’s not that I’m “not special.”
It’s that I keep trying to shine in front of people who are emotionally blind.
5. I Am Too Emotionally Intelligent for Shallow Men, and Too Emotionally Scarred for the Right Ones
This is the transition phase.
I’m between versions of myself:
- Too healed for emotionally immature men
- Too guarded for emotionally ready men
I know better now, but I don’t fully trust better yet.
My heart wants closeness.
But my body still remembers pain.
I’m learning how to exist in that in-between.
6. I Carry a Grief I Never Fully Processed
I moved on physically, but emotionally, there’s a part of me still grieving:
not the man, but the version of myself who believed in happy endings without fear.
I’m not looking for a replacement.
I’m looking for a relationship where I don’t have to lose myself again.
This grief is the quiet force shaping how I react, who I choose, and who I avoid.
7. I’ve Become a Strategist Instead of a Romantic
I used to lead with emotion.
Now I lead with logic:
- Is he intentional?
- Is he emotionally stable?
- Am I wasting time?
My brain runs the audit before my heart even has a chance to feel.
It’s not coldness.
It’s self-defense.
8. I Don’t Need to Fix Myself, I Need to Fix Who I Choose
Here’s the truth that hurts but frees me:
There is nothing wrong with me.
I’m not socially damaged.
I’m not unlovable.
I’m not “hard to date.”
I’m simply outgrowing the men I used to attach to.
I’m evolving.
My standards are rising.
My intuition is louder.
My boundaries are sharper.
My heart is wiser.
I don’t need to fix myself.
I just need to stop choosing men who can’t meet me at my level.
The Real Truth?
I’m not broken, I’m becoming.
I’m not damaged, I’m discerning.
I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of wasting the healing I worked so hard for.
I don’t avoid people because I’m cold. I avoid them because I’ve finally learned my worth isn’t something I hand out to the emotionally confused.
I deserve someone who chooses me clearly.
Wholly.
Immediately.
Without hesitation.
Without wandering eyes.
Without unfinished business.
Until then, I will stay whole.
Even if it means staying alone a little longer.
